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hey, it's cyrus. i did say on possum.city that i was going to write a doll related post here. then i said i scrapped it. and i did. but here i am making a different doll related post. it's about why i started collecting in the first place.

let's start with some of the more basic reasons. first of all, i just like dolls. i always have, ever since we were a kid. secondly, i think they're cute and pretty. thirdly, i'm a toy collector. dolls are toys and i am drawn to them as a result.

okay, those were boring. now, let's get into the bigger reasons.

ever since we were a child, we've struggled with depression. many factors play into why and how, but i'm not going to get into that here today. we started medication when we were a teenager. to this day, none of them have helped at all or they have helped very little. therapy has helped a bit, we have been in therapy since we were a child. but other than that, living has been kind of... horrible.

i'm coming to terms with the fact that our depression may be treatment resistant. being alive is sorrowful for me, and every day i wish i could somehow disappear without upsetting anyone. there's absolutely no reason for me to feel this way. i have friends, i have two wonderful partners, i have cats, i have my mom and my sibling... but yet, i still cry often. i still have thoughts of suicide. i still hurt. its still hard for me to get out of bed. its hard to function.

when i think of my dolls, i think of them as something to look forward to. and when i have something to look forward to, it makes being alive a little easier. it makes things hurt less. its motivating.

when i got into the hobby, i didn't expect to enjoy it so much. which is kinda silly now that i think about it.

posing them, playing with their hair, looking at them... these dolls have kept me alive a little longer. i once talked myself out of suicide because "what if there aren't dolls afterwards?" and it's honestly kind of pathetic. i'll readily admit that.

but you know what? when it comes to a point where every medicine you have taken has done no good for you, and when it comes to a point where every single day you have the thought of dying at least at the back of your head... you take what you can get, to survive.

i want to survive. i have plans for the future. i need to survive.

so, that's one big reason i collect. it literally keeps me alive.

my other big reason is the creativity these dolls spark in me. when i first got my Rainbow High Gabriella Icely doll, i remember posing her and taking many photos of her. putting her in a little scenario, snap a shot. and i still do this with my other dolls today.

not only that, but their fashion also inspires me. i love fashion, so its natural that fashion dolls are the focal point of my collection. the hair and makeup have inspired me to experiment with our own.

and do you why this is important to me? because depression has taken most of my creativity away from me. yep, it goes back to depression. since i've started collecting, i have been feeling more creative and more motivated to make things. like this post.

so, that's my other big reason.

with fall being here and winter soon to follow, my depression is going to worsen. so i'm trying to hang on however i can. maybe it doesn't matter to you, but i do have people who love me and would be shattered if i passed too soon. plus, i wouldn't just have my own blood on my hands, but also my headmates'.

thank you for reading if you did. no music today because this was just supposed to be a quick thing to write while the idea was still in my head. maybe i'll finish the doll collection post sometime.