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cyrus here. so, there's something i want to talk about.

we have been struggling with a pretty bad depressive episode. for months. i can't pinpoint when exactly it started, but i know it was because of my severe case of perfectionism.

i can't explain it in a linear sense. it seemed like i was never good enough. to anyone. even if people told me i was good enough, i couldn't believe them. i stopped doing things i loved because i felt like i had to be perfect doing them. i set these unrealistic standards for myself, and i was miserable. so i hardly ever did anything anymore, except play the sims, which is what i typically do in depressive episodes anyway. i figured that there was no point in even trying, if it wasnt perfect. i only kept playing the sims because people would praise my sims.

this went on for months and months. of course, this wasn't the only factor. but it played a huge part.

sunday, july 2nd, i almost took my life. at first, i was going to do it at a later date. but i broke down and almost attempted that night. i scared my girlfriend. i scared my partner. i scared myself. i was awake all night that night, up until the sun rose. i had plenty of time to think... and i realized that i needed help immediately.

so, i got dressed, packed a bag, and called 911. my girlfriend's parents were out of town (as they usually are), so that was my only way of getting to the ER.

at first, i wasn't going to tell anyone. but i didn't want to scare anyone further, so i let my girlfriend's parents know by text. this was thought out poorly.

i spent the entire day in the psychiatric ER. it was miserable, but i was to be transferred to a different hospital. so i had to stick through it. it wasn't like they were going to let me go anyway. i told them i was going to overdose on my meds. i also had an IV stuck in my hand the entire day. it hurt like hell and my hand is still slightly bruised.

and then i was transferred to the other hospital. i was given a new set of clothes, even underwear here. they were comfortable. i got a good feeling about this place. they let me use my phone before i moved to the unit and for an hour on the unit each day. i was able to keep everyone up to date on how my treatment was going.

now... no stay at the psych ward is ever desirable. but this particular hospital was borderline luxurious. when my girlfriend came to visit me, she told me that this was probably the best mental hospital in town. and i say, i would agree. it was clean, the staff was kind, the food was delicious, and groups were actually helpful. my therapist was also nonbinary like i, and my case manager explained something to me about my adhd that made so much sense that i cried. happy tears.

there was a nurse in particular that taught me a phrase to say to myself in times of doubt; "i am stronger than i think i am." he told me to write this down in the dinky little journal they provided me at the hospital, along with 10 positive things about myself. i wrote the quote down three times, and wrote 20 positive things about myself. mostly because it's always boring in the hospital during downtime, but also because i felt like i needed to see it.

the patients were cool too. i didnt really befriend anyone, but i was able to join a conversation here and there. even start a few on my own. i mostly focused on myself, however. writing in my journal, doodling, watching tv, whatever.

there was something different about this hospital stay. yes, the hospital itself was lovely. but, this time... i went completely on my own, willingly. usually, im being dragged over and involuntarily admitted (im not proud of that at all btw). but this time, i made the decision to go, and i wanted to go, and i went.

was it scary? yes, terrifying! but i knew i needed to get better. if i wanted to have a future with my family, my partners, my friends... i needed to be alive. and i needed to fight my mental illness.

at the hospital, they increased my antidepressant a bit, as well as prescribed me an take-as-needed anxiety med. aside from the bit of loopiness from the anxiety med, all has been well. in addition, i've decided to write and draw more, when i can remember to. because i've fallen out of the habit at this point, im afraid. i also have started to set small goals for myself for the day, as i was going through the days aimlessly before.

i hope i can keep this up. i want to be alive.

if you managed to read this, i thank you. i hope you have a safe day/night/timezone.