...

hello again. it's been a little under a month since my last post. i think a life update is due now.

it's... kind of a major and very weird one. i expect some people to see and treat me differently if they read this. maybe even leave me as a result. it wouldn't be my favorite thing to happen, but i'm ready to accept it. let's, uh, start with some minor stuff, first.

The Minor Stuff

first off, i turned 23 on the 29th of April. it was a chill day, despite not getting much sleep and my blood sugar crashing pretty bad suddenly due to starting a new diabetes med. the upside of that, though, was that i got to have my birthday cake before dinner.

i also started my CGM back up on that day. i had been without since december of 2022. i forgot how much i loved this thing (it was what let me know i was low in the first place).

i also got yet another squishmallow. i didn't ask for it or anything, my girlfriend's mom just picked it up for me. i now have a stitch for my lilo.

i think i have 26 squishmallows now? *checks* yep, 26.

next up, i've flown out to my homestate of corn hell ohio. i wanted to see my mom and sister, and maybe even some old friends from highschool. i'm actually still out of town at the time of writing this (may 9, 2023).

it's been okay so far. the major stuff that will be mentioned later initially caused me to want to change my ticket to go home sooner, but i couldn't do that. so i'm here until may 13, 2023. which i've made peace with.

oh yeah, i got to meet my mom and sister's cats! my sister's cat is named Dusty and my mom's cat is named Fanta. i love carrying around Fanta. he's baby.

Dusty is the smart, dainty one. while Fanta can sometimes be as sharp as a whip, but only when he has his turn on the braincell (r/OneOrangeBraincell, anyone?).

okay so... now, the major updates.

The Major Stuff

god.. where do i even start. this is where im going to become very cringe and probably hated by people i love. or at least less respected by them.

i've discovered two major things about myself while on my trip out of town. i wish i had realized them while i was at home and more safe, but as my partner told me, different places can trigger new thoughts.

anyhow, here's the big reveal: i am alterhuman and plural.

... *panting* okay. it's out there now. and i lived. cool. allow me to explain.

Alterhumanity

according to the pluralpedia.org page for alterhumanity, "Alterhuman or alterbeing refers to a category of personal identity which encompasses identification that is alternative to the common societal idea of humanity."

in my own words... i never felt human, and i plan on embracing that. i'll tell you why.

ever since 6th grade, i felt like i was drastically different from my peers. and i was. i had undiagnosed and undealt with mental health problems, neurodivergency, and trauma. at that time, i described myself like a robot or alien. when i had my first psychotic break in 7th grade, the feeling of being inhuman became stronger and stronger.

it was really distressing. i'll admit it openly. it was heartbreaking, feeling like i was a monster or something. as my psychosis remained untreated throughout my teenage years, i felt inhuman through and through. and that was when i discovered the otherkin community.

i began to identify as otherkin for a while. for a moment in time, i embraced my alterhumanity. it only made sense to. i felt like i wasn't human, and so i identified as something else.

then i moved states, and recieved phenomenal mental health care and began to understand my neurodivergence. i got on the right meds, i got good therapists, and my mental health was improving and i understood myself better. and i thought to myself, "gee, do i need to be otherkin still? i should just move on." and so i attempted to.

however, no matter how much treatment i got, the feelings of being nonhuman remained deep in my heart. i did what i could to repress it, but it always came back. and these lingering feelings of feeling like i didn't belong came along with them.

...and then i began to play around with the idea of being otherkin again, but for fun. i played with it for a while, off and on. it was like this for a long time, until i decided to casually bring it up to my partners while on my trip and just wanting to start conversation.

and they thought it was neat. like. holy shit? i was just playing with the idea but i got... accepted, for it? it was wild.

so... i just sort of, dove in headlong. i found a discord server, joined it. talked to some people. got comfortable.

and so, i vibed with the whole robot alien deity thing. so i went with that. i even designed yet ANOTHER sona for it.

so basically, i'm not human and im going to embrace that. i figure, it won't hurt anyone if i do. it only hurt when it was distressing. and i aim to rewire that part of my brain.

alright. now onto plurality.

Plurality

gonna pull out pluralpedia.org again. according to their article on plurality, "Plurality is the state of having multiple headmates collectively sharing a single body."

in my own words, there's a couple other people inside me. and i'm going to embrace that, too. it's time for another story.

i've actually been plural since roughly... 2017? still with untreated psychosis, my hallucinations started more or less having "a mind of their own," as i said back then. i also still had ongoing and untreated trauma to deal with.

these hallucinations eventually split from me, and became their own people. at that time, we had Janice (she/her), Jojo (she/her), Lilith (she/her), and a little boy who said he was lost and never got a name (he/him). there were a few others, but they hardly ever fronted. we're going to talk more about Janice, since she has given me permission.

Janice started off as a hallucination of various lines from GLaDOS from the Portal series. it was odd hearing GLaDOS talk outside of the games, but whatever. then, i started hearing really mean things from this voice. and they just kept getting meaner, and meaner.

it got really bad. i've been hospitalized because of it. one time while i was admitted, i decided to put an identity to the voice, because at this point she was no longer GLaDOS. i drew what i saw in my mind's eye and named her Janice as a sort of Karen-like name. this only gave her power.

i suspect after this hospitalization, she split from me. she began speaking much more often, developed her own music taste, her own likes and dislikes... all sort of things. but she didn't front until some time later during a breakdown.

from that point on, Janice and the others began to front. Janice in particular could be best described as a prosecutor. she kept trying to get us to kill ourselves as a way to protect ourselves, along with a bunch of other harmful things. it, uh... wasn't good.

this made me pretty ashamed to be plural. it seemed like my headmates were just trying to hurt me and i didn't know what to do. i didn't have access to the resources i have now, so i was pretty lost. so i kept it on the down low.

luckily for everyone, janice actually became a better person. this was at the tail end of this arc, however, before she went into what i suspect to be dormancy.

when i moved states and got treatment, something happened. dormancy, a fusion, i'm not entirely sure, but i couldn't hear my headmates anymore. they just... were gone. and i didn't think much of it for a few years, other than the occasional "i wonder how they're doing..."

it wasn't until i started being exposed to plural related things that i started to wonder, "gee... what was all of that?" so i began to lightly research it off an on. i learned things here and there, but it wasn't until i joined the aformentioned discord server that i really began to research heavily, due to being around other plural systems. i learned what was going on, and i began to grow curious about if i could reach Janice again.

eventually, i did reach Janice again. she came out of dormancy and seemed a bit nervous and uneasy to be around again. she's a different person now, extremely less cruel and just more reserved than anything.

she hasn't really fronted officially yet, but i can communicate with her again. as well as Janice, there is a new headmate named Eli (he/him) and possibly another one that we're figuring out. the past headmates haven't made a return yet, if at all.

and uh. that's currently where we stand. i'm still learning the ropes of this stuff and im being sure to ask plenty of questions to learn even more.

What Does this Mean then?

really, it just means that i'm finding out more things about myself. it's highly unconventional, and i will recieve ridicule for it. but i'm trying to just live with my heart on my sleeve. this is how it's meant to be. it's okay. and if no one else accepts me, i have a few that will without a doubt (you know who you are).

i'm cringe, but i'm (almost) free. i'm learning to embrace the "cringe". i will admit, i still have bouts of where i feel like crawling into a hole, never to emerge again. it mostly stems from my fear of being alone, but i have to remember that i won't be alone again. i have my loving partners and both of them have promised to stick by my side, just as i stick by theirs.

i don't really expect much to change externally. i'll still run this site and stuff, i'll still make shit, etc etc. i just have new information to process now. and that's okay.

wow. if you actually read all of this, you have my sincerest thanks. seriously. this post is enormously long. maybe even my longest entry.

im still working on the front pages of the site. sorry. a lot has been happening in my life, as you can tell. if i can get a nap in, i'll get back to work on the front pages. also apparently wertserv is having some issues, so i hope i can upload this entry.

i still need to play both chapters of Deltarune. but i love this track, maybe you've heard it. take care, and stay safe.

_{special thanks to pluralpedia.org for being such a good resource for me! i have been reading it so much lol}