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i need to get a few things off my chest, and i need to feel like someone is listening. so that's why im posting this publicly.

these past few days have been really hard. i've been struggling with a sudden and intense bout of depression, which in turn has been making my psychosis and anxiety spike as well. i think it may be my blood sugar, so i probably need to take a little bit of insulin and eat better. but either way, it's been terrible.

i'm not really all that sad. i just feel empty and tired. i feel hopeless that it'll go away, and i don't feel like doing anything productive. i've been playing minecraft with my friends and the sims 4, that helps a bit but it's just a mere distraction in the moment.

i'm having some really scary thoughts and seeing some weird things, even though im medicated. i'm trying to hold on for my friends and family, but sometimes i feel like they wouldn't worry if i just disappeared one day.

this whole thing is frustrating. but i have to remember something -- this wont last forever.

when i brought this up with my therapist, we thought of something to remind me of that notion. i had a stuffed unicorn with me just to have something to hold in my hands, and one symbol we thought of was unicorns. no reason other than to put a face to a name at the moment, but now that i think about it...

if i were to stumble upon a unicorn in the wild, how long would it stay there? it might be skittish. or it may just have other plans. or maybe i have other plans. either way, its not going to be a moment that lasts forever, and that's fine.

my mom in law brought up another symbol; rainbows. they don't last forever either. the moisture in the air clears up and the colors fade away, and that's fine. it happens.

plus, there could be a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. who knows. and for unicorns, i feel like they make me hopeful. both of these things are things i enjoy, and they can bring me positivity in these dark times.

so, i just need to push through. take better care of my health and take each day at a time.

i have people who care about me. one of my best friends told me they felt safe with me, and i don't want to take that away from them. another one of my best friends is happy i used the snack crate in our minecraft server, and i want to keep cooking food for everyone. my girlfriend likes to goof off with me, and i dont want her to be alone.

if you actually read this, thank you. here's some tunes to send you off on your way.